Dear Parent,
Let’s start with what you already know. Your job is not for the faint of heart.
Your teen craves freedom and independence, while you’re probably struggling with when and how to relinquish control. Their natural need to push boundaries goes against your instinct to set limits. Your relationship as their primary caregiver is likely taking a backseat while their friends become the top priority. And you’re grappling with these shifts just as they’re beginning to explore inherently risky adult activities like driving, sex, drinking, or drugs.
It’s hard not to worry about how their choices will impact the rest of their lives. Are their current relationships a sign of a lifetime of unhealthy relationships? Will they ever be able to launch and start a life on their own?
As a teen therapist, I often hear these concerns from parents — and understandably so. This chapter of your child’s life is dramatically different from any they’ve experienced before, and it requires you to hone your parenting skills in new ways.
So here are a few tough (but potentially game-changing) truths that can help you better support your teen on their journey to become a confident, independent adult.
1. Your teen may need to fail.
This is a tough one to swallow, I know. As a parent, you are hardwired to protect your child. You want to swoop in and make sure assignments are turned in on time, they aren’t late for class, and they’re making good friends.
Of course we can help with those things, but I would encourage you not to try harder than your kiddo. As hard as it may be, allowing your teen to make mistakes creates the opportunity for self-reflection, which breeds internal motivation to act differently in the future. It also builds self-confidence in the long run, as you demonstrate trust in their ability to make the right choices, or deal with the consequences of failure. When we try to insulate teens from difficulty by being overly strict or removing obstacles, we rob them of critical learning experiences that will help them grow into self-sufficient adults.
2. Don’t hover or restrict prematurely.
Parents often ask me if they should be tightening up freedom or restricting certain privileges. Of course, there are times when these consequences are warranted. But I would argue that this is only an appropriate course of action after your teen has shown that they are struggling with self-regulation in a particular area. For example, you might set an earlier curfew or disallow a late-night activity for a week after your teen repeatedly comes home past curfew. That is a direct reaction to a teen’s action that is simple and reasonable.
But when teens feel broadly restricted from normal activities, like going out with friends or dating, chances are, they’re still going to do it… just without your knowledge. These experiences are an important part of growing up. Rather than making it something your kiddo feels the need to hide from you, I want them to be able to come to you and ask for help when things get tough. With you as their safety net, they will learn what makes them happy, what feels right or wrong, and how to handle the responsibility of making decisions for themselves.
3. Don’t put your feelings on your child.
This may be the toughest ask, because often it’s completely accidental. The parents of the teens I work with love their kids so much; their concerns come from a good place. But if your emotions (fear, worry, rejection, sadness, etc.) take up too much space in the parent-child relationship, your teen will feel like there isn’t room for their own emotions. This imbalance may lead them to hide their own experiences out of guilt, or they may pull away emotionally to protect themselves.
Teens work so hard to be seen as mature and independent that it can be easy to forget they still have a lot of growing to do. As parents, it’s important to continue to be the adult in the relationship. We want to ensure you can serve as an emotional safe space so that your teen can bring their experiences and feelings to you, rather than you feeling like you need to drag those feelings out of them by force.
4. Yes, they still need you. Just in a different way.
When your child was a baby, you directly regulated their emotions by responding to their cries with immediate attention: a feeding, diaper change, or rocking them to sleep. This kind of responsive care was necessary to build a secure attachment and support healthy emotional and developmental growth.
You are still your teen’s external emotional regulator, even now. It just looks a lot different. Their cry for help may be a literal cry or it could be a complaint about “how bored” they are. Rather than immediately trying to solve the problem for them, as you would have in infancy, try to help them regulate emotional strife by validating then demonstrating you are confident in their ability to self-regulate. It could be as simple as saying, “man, it is a boring day!” Show them you hear their need but let them decide how to find a solution. Leave the door open for them to ask for help, making yourself a resource rather than an overseer.
Remember, whatever challenges you and your teen are facing right now, this is a normal, necessary step on the path to adulthood. The desire to become independent, to discover a unique sense of identity and agency is what allows teens to truly grow up and become their own people. And yes, these can be some of the most difficult years of parenting but none of your efforts are wasted. You are building the foundation for your future relationship. Giving teenagers the space and boundaries they need now will help establish a mutual respect and understanding that will last throughout adulthood.
At Care Concepts Therapy, we’re here to help teens (and their parents) navigate this phase of life while setting a course for a meaningful, fulfilling future. Book a free consultation today to get connected with one of our therapists.